One of the goals that many reach for in Sugar is an NSA relationship. For the uninitiated, NSA stand for "No Strings Attached", and imply's there will be no emotional connection between the participants.
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I don't believe in NSA. Never have. Not in sugar. The idea of having a close personal relationship with another person, yet keeping a 'string free' emotional detachment from that person does not happen in my universe.
That said it is clear that some people are able to maintain these types of emotional walls, but look at their relationships. They are almost always in a constant state of turmoil and desperation. I watched a number of people on the SA blog over a period of two and a half years attempt NSA. The wailing never stopped. Recently MTV ran a micro-doc on sugar, and in my opinion it was a testament to NSA. It was not a pretty sight.
The truth is, we are emotional creatures. You can accept that and try to make it work for you, or you can pretend your a Vulcan and wind up in a non-stop tizzy. The only exception I know of is If the full extent of your relationship is sex. Yes that can be NSA. But it's not sugar either. Sugar by my definition is a relationship. It may not be a permanent relationship, but few relationships are.
How do you make it work? I simply think of my SD's as clients. Much like the clients of my regular business. I get to know them, I find things about them I like and enjoy. I care about them and show interest in their lives. I'm always glad to see them, and when the job ends I try to remain friends with them.
Is that so hard?
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It's interesting that you say that because there are so damn many people trying to keep all emotion out of something that requires so damn much of it: even in just normal work relationships, I'm generally someone who's extremely closed-off because I figured that was how to get professional respect: don't show someone why they shouldn't disrespect you. Instead, that shows fear and unwillingness to work with them. I've learned since that it's not about holding everything about you back or denying emotional attachment, it's how you share the things you do that tells them who you are and why you're amazing, what you can offer them, that it's coming from your heart, and that you are someone that they want to know and be around.
ReplyDeleteIn your situation, how do you care for someone and inspire them to stick around if you don't give them what they want? What you've said makes a lot of sense: very insightful post.